September 4th, 2020

Brief Experiences With Resilience

1. conditioning

Ancient, dusty tomes of folklore and legends of heroes now forgotten amongst fangled welcome hallucinations
will also grow old, and we shall grow out of them, forge our own destiny, rewrite the history books, someday
to discover that times change, blushes of budded infants blossom into flowers, unrecognizable in utter grace
hiding under lamp-like, lithe disguises marred by shadows of now bleak peasantry

so stand upon there, this threshold of knowledge, generations and coarse,wooden desks now covered with stark graffiti
separate the disciple and the master, and in between lies a gorge of deepening fear, doubts like chasms in your shaky faith
the master, robed in purple, bordered by gold whispers, steadily approaches the regal dais- decrees the order of the land
those that dare not cover their bare limbs shall face the wrath- of assault, with no mercy, harsh and all at once

laughter echoes out among the gathered subjects, ever eager to please their ruthless overlords
dissent is quietly, firmly quelled see iron fists aren't always encased in velvet gloves, you deduce
those that rebel against the system- clothing cannot be enticing, the defenceless cannot ask for it
you beg, knees scraping on rough, muddied ground as you are dragged away, to realms of ignorance unmatched.

(“there’s a raging fire going on inside my head, so forgive me for not staying positive” was previously published in the Cathartic Literary Magazine.)

2. there’s a raging fire going on inside my head, so forgive me for not staying positive

You are content. you can't remember the last time you were whole/it's like you break yourself into sizable bits/digestible/you tell yourself/breathe in, out/rinse, swallow & repeat/ dinner sits heavy in your stomach. it was stale chicken, sterilised under flickering tubelights of family dinners you wished were less lively. they are more often than you would like, followed by shrivelled cards, in the back back back of your wardrobe. the games wardrobe, it was called, as if they weren't stewing there, neglected and misused. do you remember that feeling?- of being elated, transfixed by the simple beauty of a board game that hadn't been played yet? they are birthday presents from companions who you have forgotten to call, still frames in your mind.

pink-tinged perfume wafts through the humid air and tickles your nose. your retainer collects dust on a shelf you forgot to clear out before your 15th birthday, the one you couldn't celebrate. you ask yourself- is this what i wanted? to be an extrovert among introverts, an introvert among extroverts? the outside of conversations, articulating emotion but never quite getting those, those thoughts of yours across this faulty abyss of solitude. they call you witty, she's a funny girl, isn't she? but what they don't know is you staining your felt soft toy's tiny limbs with the brine of your saltwater tears. they don't know about the sleepless nights you've spent-migraines that shake your head till it hurts/the blinding lights from your bathroom window/it penetrates into your young skull/you knock your sweet head against the silver medals/the ones, you know you didn't deserve. participation trophy/consolation, the only respite that your plain walls may be adorned, at last. for why should mediocrity be rewarded?

you are not ordinary/no, no, not extraordinary/ but extra ordinary. keep your head above these tumultous, rage-filled waters, and maybe, just maybe, some semblance of adulthood shall make it out alive. inhale, exhale, reach above the surface as the afternoon skies embrace your flailing arms.

Anoushka Kumar is a 15-year-old writer from India whose interests include analysing indie rock music, writing angsty poetry, quoting A Very Potter Musical, and feminist/queer activism. 

“Conditioning” was based on the patriarchal ideal that young girls need to cover up or refrain from wearing short clothes in public to feel safe. The idea that this was provocative clothing to set off the urges of men is something Anoushka protests day after day, but it is ingrained in many mindsets.